In order to
analyse the above topic, we need to first answer why do we marry?
Marriage is considered
to be an institution which recognizes the union of two individual and provides
rights and obligation between the couple involved in a marriage. The true
essence of marriage is very different in different societies, cultures, and
religions. But one factor is common in all and that is, marriage is lifelong
(though many may disagree) commitment of togetherness and trust. If you go on
to search for the reasons why somebody marries, love will definitely come as
one of the major reasons. People marry because they are in love. Marriage
ensures a protective covering around their love relation and couples believe
that they will stay together no matter how hard time may come.
But in some
societies like ours (Indian society) even in the current time many marriages
are organised by parents and are not out of love. This makes marriage more
challenging. The perspective of marriage is even different among a Man and a
Woman. For most of the man, marriage comes as a compulsion or a social pressure
to get settled. Whereas for a woman it is more of a security. When in a
marriage a man’s primary attention is the women but this is not so with the
women, her attention gets divided into the house, the stuff, the kids and the
man. So, the Man and the Woman in marriage are part of two different worlds
(with respect to their nature and belief system) yet they are supposed to remain
united in a relation. Have we thought of so many things before we married? My
answer is NO. I am not sure about you. These are all after thoughts of the
accident or the incident called marriage. Let us check what are the expectation in marriage?
One thing
which comes naturally as a wedding gift for both the spouses in a marriage is a
big bag of expectations towards each other. We have separate ideas about family
life and also that of our sex life. We have separate ideas about our
responsibilities as well. When we enter into marriage very rarely do we spell
out these expectations. There is a firm belief among newlywed that they
understand each other so well that their expectations need not be declared. It
will spontaneously be understood by the better half. We should very clearly
understand that two different people with two different social rooting’s, two
different grooming, and above all different stereotypes will definitely have
different expectations. Marriage does not make people psychic
and clairvoyant that they will understand others unspoken words
The list of
expectations in a marriage may be quite long. There are some common and some
very specific expectations. My extensive study can mention some of them.
Common Expectations:
These are the
expectations that are common for both spouses.
1) Love
and passion towards each other:
Both
husband and wife desire that there will be a deeply passionate love towards
each other in early years of marriage and as time passes it will shape up into companionate
love.
2) Trust:
Trust in marriage is a blend of
benevolence and honesty or sincerity toward each other. Both the spouse feel
that this trust will be everlasting and indestructible.
3) Commitment:
Commitment is a very important
aspect of all relationships. But among married couples, this can be interpreted
as sense and feeling of security and control for each party. In marriage,
commitment implies two things loyalty and a desire to keep the relationship
going for the foreseeable future.
4) Empathy
& Compassion:
In a married relationship Empathy means understanding
and being aware of, and being sensitive to the feelings, thoughts, and
experiences of your spouse. While compassion for your spouse is the ability to
recognize when your spouse is suffering in any degree and respond with love and
support without being judgmental.
5) Physical
Intimacy:
Physical intimacy between couples is an act or
exchange of close companionship, love, and sexual attraction. Intimacy among
couples includes physical, emotional and spiritual closeness. It does not
always mean consensual sexual activity but also can be demonstrated by the
simple act of holding hand, hugging, kissing, and cuddling,
6) Respect
for each other:
In long-term relationships like marriage,
respect is more crucial than love. Mutual respect can be demonstrated to one
another by speaking to each other in respectful and considerate fashion,
keeping your partner in mind when you’re making decisions, and responding to
your partner's needs and wants.
7) Spend
quality time together:
Spending an enjoyable time
together is key to a sustained lovely married life. There is no specific rule
on how much time should you spend together? As both quantity and quality are
important for the health of the relationship.
8) Personal
space:
Marriage is a balancing act of staying
together spending time together and yet, giving yourselves some time apart. You
and your spouse are individuals with their own interests, dreams, and goals. A little
personal space into your relationship will allow you each to pursue those.
Moreover giving yourselves some personal space can also give you a better
perspective on your relationship.
9) Extended
Family /In-laws:
It is very true that when you marry somebody
you marry his family. There is a subtle current of expectation regarding this
extended family. The way one spouse behaves with the In-laws, can easily
trigger conflict between the two.
TOO
MUCH EXPECTATIONS LEAD TO SADNESS…………
There may be many more expectations than I
have listed above. Now let us focus on what are some of the critical expectations of a husband to his wife……….
1) Home Assistance:
Men know that they need to do their part in
the household and with the kids, especially if both spouses are working. They
even try to do their extent but most men want their wives to take the lead on
making the house into a home. He wants that when he returns home after work, he
will get warmth, joy, and love, which can only be created and maintained by the
wife.
2) Companion:
Men want a companion or a friend in his wife.
He hates to be treated like a kid by his wife. He always wants to explore new
adventures with his wife as besties do.
3) Appreciation /Affirmations:
Men
love to be patted at the back for all that he does. He expects appreciation and
affirmation for his hard work, his concern towards the family, his caring
nature and all.
4)Attention:
Men crave for undivided attention from his
wife. He wants to be listened to uninterrupted when he is telling something
relating to his work or passion. If his wife is distracted during the
communication he feels neglected and unimportant.
5) Sex:
Sex is extremely important in marriage as it
is the means by which men connect with their spouses. That is why husbands have
a strong physical desire for frequent sex. He feels rejected
by his wife when she denies his advances or when she never seems to be the one
to initiate sex.
Let us also see some emotional
expectation of a wife to her husband……..
1) Honesty and Transparency:
This is the primary need of a wife from his
husband. She wants him to be absolutely honest in whatever he does. He is
expected to confess all his wrong doings (boozing out with friends to staring
at other women).
2) Silent listener:
The wife wants not only to be listened to with
ears but to be listened to with the heart by the husband. Besides hearing the
words she speaks, it's important to be open to what she suggests. Though she
always prefers to listen to “Yes” rather than” No”.
3) Security and protection:
From
time immortal men protected women. So, it came to the genetic predisposition of
a wife to expect security and protection from her husband. She believes that
her man is going to make everything okay.
4) Everlasting Admirer:
Every woman wants to feel beautiful. In fact, every
woman believes they are beautiful, and they want the man they married to
recognize it. Her husband should not only acknowledge her beauty but also
always appreciate her looks.
5) Never forgets birthdays
or anniversaries:
This is of prime importance to women. Her man
can forget any urgent work but not her birthday and anniversary dates.
Most men do not
understand how forgetting little details is perceived as a lack of love by
women.
Now that we know why do we marry and
what is our expectations from marriage, the question arises that do we
understand each other expectations in marriage and fulfill it. Are all marriages successful?
The answer to this is of course ‘NO’ which
can be substantiated by the enormous growth in the number of divorces happening
every day. According to authentic sources, there is about 250% in divorce rate
worldwide from 1960. Though in India, the divorce rate is less than 1 per cent.
Out of 1000 marriages, only 13 results in divorce.
This does not mean that Indian Couples
have happier marriages. The fact remains that Indian society has a tremendous
effect in our marriages. The traditional belief that marriages are not only
between individuals but families is still prevalent in India.
Several couples prefer
to stay married long after their marriage has come to an end, only to keep up a
facade.
Also in India, there is still a massive stigma attached to
being a ‘divorcee’. More so a divorced woman rather than a divorced man for
whom it’s evidently easier to marry again. In India, divorce
is the absolute last resort.
Knowing this, some of us may relate to
the same situation. Through my post, I want to keep every lady to be happy and
blissful especially over the 40s. For those who are happy and contented in
their marriage, please continue to remain so ever after. But for them who are
not so lucky, is there any strategy or plan of action which can make your
marriages at least less stressful (these Mantras are not for those who are
passing through torturous and abusive marriage). Let us see a few plans of action.
If you try these, you can make your life easier and pleasant. You can also make
your kid get the ambiance to grow up into a confident and contributing adult.
Accept:
Accept the man in your life as he is
without being judgemental. Be empathetic to recognize his expectations.
Showing a
willingness to not only a compromise but to put your mate’s preferences ahead
of your own, you’ll avoid the frustrations and pain of unmet expectations and
actually build a closer, stronger relationship.
Independence:
If you are working it is good but if
you are not, try to be financially independent. But financial independence is
not all, try to be mentally and emotionally independence. This is going to increase
your thinking abilities and make you more confident. Stop asking for all the decisions
from your husband.
Stop Blaming:
Do not treat your husband as your
competitor. Just don’t blame him for all that is happening around. If it is a
bad day for you, do not be cranky on him. Try to communicate your point of view
and try to resolve your own
Do not make him choose between you and his mother:
You may have many issues with your
mother-in-law. Be it emotional or personal, try to accommodate her in your life
because after all, she is the reason he exists in the first place. Sacrifice
little things (like allowing her to sit in the front sit when your man is
driving the car, or allowing her to serve the food for her son) you can keep
confrontation a bay and your husband can also understand your good intentions. (Don’t
think he is not observing)
Rationalize your Expectations:
We talked a lot regarding our expectations towards
our husbands. Sometimes we become a little irrational with what we want from
them. Like if we want him to listen to us like a girlfriend, it is not possible
as men are predisposed to be less emotionally expressive. They communicate to
resolve problems. So if he is not listening to every word of yours, just
ignore. Do not expect him to give up his passions. When your husband tries to
ground himself in his hobby and passion it does not mean he wants to ignore his
family but it gives him the pace of mind and happiness which will get reflected
in his attitude towards you.
Never try to encroach his personal space:
Try to trust your man. Trust helps to maintain
everlasting relations. So don’t be inquisitive enough to check his messages and
phone calls. If you are caught doing this, the level of trust between you will
fall.
Make your man feel every day how much you care for
him and his family. Give frequent physical touch, and say that you love him.
Now that you have read the entire
article do you still believe Marriages
are made In Heaven?
If ‘Yes’ then I must say God has shared his
responsibilities with us to maintain it and make it everlasting.
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